Ok, to be fair I'll also provide a list of things that I've seen that are cool in my gym, but I just need to vent a little on some things I've seen or noticed in my cruddy little gym in the past couple of months in no particular order.
1. Naked Shaving Guy: OK, why the frick do you feel the need to shave at the gym, at 12:00PM, when there are 30 other guys trying to pee and then wash their hands. Worst yet, why do you have to have your naked friend next to you plugging up the only other available sink. Come on guys, there's only 2 sinks in this whole joint and 30 or more guys trying to get back to work. Shave at home! And what's with the naked thing? Trust me, your body is not worth showing off to the public. My grandfather is built better than you, and he's no longer living. Can't you throw a towel around your waist? Is it really that hard? I'm not going to even go into all the crap you've spread across the shower to make sure you look pretty before you leave. If you find yourself being thrown out the fire exit with nothing but your razor by a bunch of sweaty, irritable spin class riders, don't blame me.
2. The Axe Cologne Explosion Guy: Look, I know you want to smell really pretty for all the ladies. I'm sure they love your bald head and overhanging belly, but none of us want to live in your cloud. Why do you feel the need to bath yourself in Axe body spray when the locker room is full of other guys? Do you really think we like inhaling the dense mist of overspray? If you look really hard you might realize that investing in some actual to goodness real cologne works just as well without causing a MOP level 5 gas attack on your fellow gym goers. Go outside and coat yourself down at will, but keep it out of the locker room you stinky a$$.
3. The Shower Hog Guy(s): Going back to point 2, don't you see that 30 other guys need to get back to work in 15 minutes? Why do you feel you are so important that you can stand under the water for 20 minutes B.S.ing with the guy in the stall next to you? If you really like to talk to your friend that much in the shower then take him home. I really don't care, but you need to get out of everyone's way. And oh yeah, if you just peed in the shower like the spreading yellow crud in the water around your feet suggests . . .then you should die. Hanging you buy your toenails outside on the side of the building is too good for you.
4. Fitness Chick: Get out of my way! There is no reason for you to squeeze between me, the mirror, and the free weight racks. There is another 100 foot of mirror on either side of me. It's all just as good! Trust me, I am not in front of the best mirrors in the place. I wouldn't know how to find them anyway. But, I just don't like someone four foot in front of me blocking the mirror. Maybe I'm vane, but I like to watch what I'm doing.
5. Sweaty Bench Guy or Gal: What? Can't you wipe up after yourself? Do you really think everyone else wants to lay down in your puddle of salt infused stench? Good lord person, it's OK to wipe yourself down and clean up afterward. I won't even go into the globs of hair gel goo you left all over the head pad. Nasty!
6. Talky, Talky Guy or Gal: Two problems here people. First, you're plugging up the weight racks and machines. What is your problem? Can't you talk enough outside of the gym that you can wait one hour? Can't you see all the people trying to alter their workouts because you haven't lifted the weights in 20 minutes? We don't care that your boyfriend yelled at you or your girlfriend is sleeping with your brother. We're here to work out. So leave, go away, go play on the recumbent aerobic bikes. You can talk all day and won't even work up a sweat while you do.
7. Farting Guy: Yeah, you know who you are. The walking mass of fermenting flesh touched with bile. I know you're on creatine, NO3, protein, 3 forms of steroids, and a broccoli/onion diet. But we don't want to smell you. Don't walk around with a dumb smile on your face while the cloud of putrid stench hangs around to put the next unsuspecting gym goer into a coma. If you cannot hold it in, then go outside, go into the management offices, go die somewhere. . .smells like it's going to happen anyway. Just give the rest of us a break.
8. Angry Guy: We're not looking at your girlfriend, trust us. We're looking at you and the way you're talking to her. Be glad she's even in the gym with you let alone dating you. Why do you need to talk to her that way. She's doing things her way and you should respect that. So, you want to start a fight for glancing your way. Come get some (unless you're twice my size. . .then come chase me . . .I'm faster). PS: To Angry Guy's girlfriend. What are you thinking? We've seen the bruises. . .leave him!
9. Swinging Stick Guy: I won't even get into how useless that exercise is. OK, it makes you feel like a true muscle man when you have that stick over your shoulders swinging madly from side to side. Yep, your abs are going to be more ripped than King Kongs. You're the man! Actually, it has nothing to do with the exercise. Do what you want. Personally, I don't care. But why, oh why, do you need to do your spastic, wild swinging right in the middle of the main isle? Can't you see all the people trying to get around your stick of death? Go find a nice dark corner somewhere and swing until your head pops off, we don't care, but just go away.
10. Advice Guy: Yeah, yeah, I know. You've been working out in the gym for 20 years and know everything. I can tell by your well defined beer belly, flabby butt, pencil legs, and skeleton arms that you're the resident expert. But don't try to tell me I'm doing something wrong. I know you just got done reading that Muscle & Fitness Magazine and have reinforced your expertise, but trust me, I don't want to hear about it or about what I'm doing. PS: I won't bother telling you that you look like a monkey on meth doing those lat pull downs that way. Here's some aspirin on me.
To even things out: 10 Good Things I've Noticed
1. The Professional Fitness Girl: All of us guys, and many women, salute you! Your sweet attitude, fantastic knowledge, and unbelievable, trained body are an inspiration.
2. Ex-Mr. Nevada and Crew: You guys have been great. I've learned quite a bit and your comedy like views on life have been fun.
3. The Quiet Everydayers: Those people who come in, go about their business, and then leave quietly after a good workout. We love you.
4. Clean Guy: Thanks for putting away your weights, cleaning up your pads, and being respectful of others. We love you too.
5. Overweight soon to be athletes: Honestly, I respect you. Been there, done that, and I know how much work it is. Here's to seeing you on a roadbike or looking good in six months.
6. Gym Rats: I've made some really good friends living in this gym. And here's to all of us when we ride around Sicily in September.
7. Spin Class: Yeah, it's sweaty, stinky, and the room is too small. But boy it's saved me some boring time on the trainer.
8. My Wife: Thanks for being the best workout partner a guy could have. You keep me motivated and you keep me going.
9. My Body: Yep, being vane, but I feel better now than I ever have.
10. That advertise for the old truck. It's been up there so long I know there's just got to be some sort of story behind it. If nothing else, it reminds me that things are still normal and good.
If you managed to make it through this thread and I've bored you, angered you, or whatever I apologize. Just know you're number 11 on my list!
